Co-Dependency Sux

Somehow, I am still here. I went into one of my "holes" for a while and I am currently trying to dig out of it. I have been going to counseling and she desperately urges me to get rid of my husband. I do not have the mental energy to write about him right now, but I do need him out of my life. What is it within certain people that feel that they simply cannot survive w/out someone else?

The last few days have been quite a challenge. I don't think going off of Effexor and switching to Paxil was a good idea. My therapist says that Effexor is known for terrible rebound depression and I am experiencing it. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I will ever feel happy again. I can't remember the last time I had a good laugh. I used to laugh all of the time. I am trying to stay positive because I know things could be a lot worse.

Well, going by doctor's orders, I have had to up the dosage of my Depakote. I really hate this because I am sleeping all the time and that is just not me. I am really trying to see the positive in this because I know that I simply cannot survive without this medication. I have really mixed emotions right now. I am doing all I can to be well, but it seems like whatever I do isn't good enough. I truly feel like the world is against me right now. My mother calls and makes comments about me sleeping all the time and then I feel guilt. I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. I am happy that I am not having out-of-control rages. I am sad that I am numbed by medication.

I wish there was a rewind button I could push on my life. I want all those years back that I have lost. I am truly exhausted mentally from the effects of the last few years. I feel like the world is against me right now. Whenever, things start to get calm in my life there is always a crash. I have felt so great for a while now and now my ex-husband is at me again. It has been exactly a year since we went to court and he sued me for child support. I was in bed for weeks after that. He will not talk to me and try to work things out concerning our kids without attorneys and going to court. He looks at me like I am scum of the earth. I have tried over and over to talk to him and to try and coparent with him, but no, he says he will not talk to me other than strictly professional. He married one of my best friends after we divorced. She gets to spend more time with my kids than I do. I have begged for more time with them. He told me once that I have nothing positive to offer them. Years ago a therapist told me that it can be hard to escape the actions that one does who is bipolar or has BPD. I am finding it to be true. I feel like the girl in The Scarlet Letter. Maybe I should wear a sign that says I'm Nuts. Today, I really want to curl up in a corner and for everyone to just go away.

I apologize for being so dark today, but it is how I feel. This is all I can write right now. I will be back soon. xxxxxxxx

Still working on the book and still feel like I am reading an autobiography. Spent most of the day doing community service work as part of my probation for my DUI. I still have a lot of hours to do. Will my life EVER be normal? The medications are certainly keeping me level, however, sometimes I feel as if I am just going through the motions.

If any of you take Effexor this may interest you. My therapist expressed many concerns about this medication, as I have recently weaned off of it. She states that even after weaning off, rebound depression can occur. I seem to be experiencing this now. So, if you are taking this you may want to do some research. Just sayin.

Just Another Manic Monday...Wish It Was Sunday...Cuz That's My Fun Day

The book so far is awesome. I feel like I am reading about myself. It's weird, but now I know that I am not the only one who used to run away into the streets when I was feeling out of control!



I saw the babysitter in Wal Mart yesterday who was responsible for my daughter's death in 1998. I keep seeing her there lately. A few years ago I would have fainted at the sight of her. I am serious. I can't tell you how many times EMS came to Wal Mart when I would see her there. I would just faint. Now I just stare. I have already done enough damage to my two sons in the last few years. I don't need them seeing anymore of my craziness. Trust me, I really wanted to bitch slap her into the parking lot. Seeing her brings back so much. Thank God for Depakote.

Recovery IS Possible

I just got my got my copy of Rachel Reiland's book in the mail, Get Me Out of Here My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder". I cannot wait to read it. In just reading the preface, I was happy to see the words RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. I know it is because I am experiencing it right now. Anyway, I am excited about my weekend with this book (the first time I've been excited about reading in a long time).

P.S. No one likes my dark hair :( . Not sure what I am doing with it next. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr =/

Food for thought...

Some very profound statements were made to me yesterday. I have been thinking about them nonstop. I could not write about it last night because I am the type of person who has to wrap my head around things for a while before I can talk about them.

First, when I was in my therapy session I was crying and I kept trying to bring up things in the past. My therapist said, "Stop, from now on we are going to concentrate on from today forward." There is nothing I can do about what has happened to me and I certainly cannot bring my daughter back to life. I have spent so much time dwelling on the past that I cannot concentrate on my future. My quality of life has been so bad because I can't get passed the past. I have to learn how to cope and how to just deal. She also went on to explain that those with BPD cannot regulate emotions. Of course, we all know that, but hearing her explain that during a rage or a deep depression that is impossible for me to rationalize without help. For me, that is mood-stabilizing medication and LOTS of therapy. She also told me that BPD is VERY hard to treat.

Secondly, when I was getting my hair done I was telling my hairdresser about my husband's mother who has literally tried to ruin my life since the day we got married. I am not exaggerating. I have messages on my answering machine saying that she is going to destroy me and that "the horns are on me". I am not sure exactly what the "horns" are going to do, but it doesn't sound good. LOL. I could spend an entire blog on her messages and the vicious things she has said to me and to others around town!! She even told my my brother-in-law's girlfriend that I "use Bailey's death to get what I want" and that "I am waiting for my mother to die to get her money". I have to admit I cried for hours when I heard this, but what my hairdresser said in response to everything really makes sense. See, my husband's mother has a breast cancer gene and recently had a mastectomy (by the way, I was told her first words when she woke was "that c*nt"). She said that what she eats is eating her. All her evilness is coming back to get her. She doesn't even realize it. It's really sad. Maybe one day she will see. As part of rebuilding my life I have decided to surrender all the negative energy she has inflicted upon me. I will not change her. I have done nothing wrong. I will no longer waste precious moments of my life dwelling on what she says about me or crying about it!!

I am kind of rambling today, but I am still exhausted from yesterday. Thanks to all of you loyal followers. Be well and keep your chin up! We really do have a lot to live for. Peace xxxxxxxxx